Four people, including me, know how much I weigh. Thats the most-EVER. I avoid going to the doctor (unless I am pregnant) because I don't want to stand on a scale. I have done this my entire adult life. Until after baby number 3, I don't think I would have been considered over weight-I was simply outside of the media definition of thin. I am not in any position to embrace my current weight, but then I wonder what weight is my ideal? I personally believe that some of these numbers spouted out by health organizations are too cookie cutter. We are all individuals. We all have different body types, shapes and genetics.
So, it's just a number. That's what you would think I am saying, but then why can I not let it go? I am surrounded by healthy, fit, slim people. I look at magazines every day that tell you how to "Blast Belly Fat," "Get Fit Fast," "Lose the Baby Weight." Every ad has a woman that's stick thin or a before and after shot. I love the ones that say,"How Star ABC lost the Baby Weight." Guess what, magazine? If I had all day to work out and the money to afford my own chef, trainer and nanny I too, would have flat abs. Instead, I choose to raise my own children, cook for them, clean up after them, and attend as many school functions as physically (and mentally) possible. Sure, I sit here and rationalize all of these things and think to myself WHY they can do it and look fabulous after their babies but inside I am deeply jealous! All I want to do these days is be healthy and get myself to a place where I will be around a little while longer for these 3 little beings that we have created. I know that is my ultimate goal, but I'm still stuck on the number.
It has taken me all of my will power not to stand on the scale during this 30 day Paleo Challenge. I have failed, and stood on the scale a few times. I am on day 15. I have lost weight. Not enough to get to my number, but I have lost some. I am in month 6 of being committed to this endeavor of working out and eating right. James always tells me,"It took years to put the weight on. It's going to take more than a month to take it off." However, there are days during this challenge that I am even jealous of him. He's dropping weight a lot faster than I am. Probably going to reach his number goal before me! The worst part is, how often do you see articles on men losing the sympathy pounds after the baby? Or even telling a man to "Get Slimmer Faster." How about,"How to Lose 15 Pounds for Speedo Season"? It's a double standard out there. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are a lot of pressures for guys. Media still makes an issue out of men providing for their family financially and working hard, climbing to the top, etc., etc. I am simply picking on the weight issue. I could go on for days about the media, believe me.
What should be better than the weight loss is that I feel good. I don't hit that REALLY tired spell at 3:00 where I feel like I need a nap to get through the day. I have the energy to make it all day long now. I have been somewhat energetic and motivated- to be quite honest, I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends, but isn't that what the start of summer means-when you switch up your daily routine that you have been used to for the last 10 months?
So, I am stuck. Sitting some where between the number and the fact that the number shouldn't matter. I waiver back and forth between these. Some days I can get over the number to realize that I am working hard to make things change and make myself a healthier person and that is what matters (ie: At least I'm off the couch), but other days are a true challenge to me mentally to get over the number and the desire to be at a certain goal. Most likely that goal is completely unattainable for me, but it's the number that has been drilled in to me by somebody, somewhere. I don't think I am the only one facing this struggle and I hope that those facing this struggle with me can all see that it's about being healthy and feeling good. Ultimately, that should lead to a number that will be acceptable to both you and the media!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
What is it about these people?
Week 1 is done!! 23 days left in the Paleo Challenge and I sparked a little debate on Facebook about it with a comment I made about some bacon bits falling on the floor and my desire to lick them up and pay no attention to the 5 second rule. I must admit, in my house, on those floors, it's a little disgusting to even think about. My dog is a walking disaster-worse than Pig Pen if you ask me. The big question that was put out there is, "What is it about CrossFitters and the Paelo Diet?" My answer is a big fat "I don't know." However, there are a few things I can comment on...
I push myself harder than I ever thought I could when I go in to the gym 3 days a week. It is a very intense workout that actually produces results. Those results continue to get better and better until they plateau a bit. That is the point at which people start to look at their nutritional intake and wonder what they can change to improve their lift, their time, their weights, etc. More often than not, a person that starts CrossFit and sticks with it is competitive by nature. This is the perfect spot-always trying to outdo yourself and never allow failure to take over. The Paleo Diet is another challenge that will help a competitive person outdo themselves. Is there a science behind it? Probably.
I am not in to the whole science side. I want to feel good and look healthy. If the Paleo Diet can produce those two major results, then I will be very happy. If it means that mine time gets a little faster or my deadlift gets a little heavier then I will be truly psyched. It's my inner competitor coming out. And hey, if it means one day I get bragging rights at the gym my cycle at CrossFit might actually be complete! I feel better. I don't miss the way I was eating before. I would eat, not because I wanted to or enjoyed the food, but because it was in front of me or I was stressed out. Not a good way to eat. Now it's more for enjoyment and I have actually come across some good recipes- check out www.everydaypaleo.com or www.civilizedcaveman.com and see some of the stuff they cook. It's delicious, really.
The challenges of the diet are primarily finding the right ingredients, as many things aren't readily available anymore or we have added something to them to make them "shelf-stable." It's not much different than the way our ancestors ate pre-industrial revolution. Somebody that eats all organic is likely much more paleo than you think. Legumes are probably one of the hardest to get rid of- I like beans. That and cheese.
Prepping is difficult, too. I find that I have to spend a lot of time on the front end, trying to figure out what I am going to cook and running to the grocery stores- yes, STORES- because 1 doesn't carry parsnips, a different one has the fennel bulb and a third one is the only place I can find a flank steak. That may be a challenge of where I live, but it's a challenge none the less. You can't beat how fresh things taste, though. At this point in the 30 day challenge, it's still refreshing.
My goal when I started this whole adventure was to lose weight. Six months in to it with no diet change, I haven't done that. My body has changed. There is a lot more muscle mass, but that doesn't help with the scale. It truly is diet AND exercise that is going to make that change. Paleo just seemed right for me, or at least like the thing for me to try. Maybe the intensity of the diet is right for CrossFitters because of the intensity of the workout. There is a certain trait within that would say the two go hand in hand. It's all about what you make of it. Do I want to change my habits? Yes. Do I want to feel as though I am depriving myself? No. Currently, I don't. I am not going to be 100% and a freak about this whole thing, but in 23 days when I look at the numbers and repeat the workout, perhaps I will be faster and a little lighter. Those results will tell me where I am going to go with this. At the moment, I think it may stick around for a while. You should see the PRs that are popping up all over the gym for the folks that have gone strict for the challenge. It's crazy! Maybe one day during this trek, I will be able to say I got a PR also. I'll keep you posted.
I push myself harder than I ever thought I could when I go in to the gym 3 days a week. It is a very intense workout that actually produces results. Those results continue to get better and better until they plateau a bit. That is the point at which people start to look at their nutritional intake and wonder what they can change to improve their lift, their time, their weights, etc. More often than not, a person that starts CrossFit and sticks with it is competitive by nature. This is the perfect spot-always trying to outdo yourself and never allow failure to take over. The Paleo Diet is another challenge that will help a competitive person outdo themselves. Is there a science behind it? Probably.
I am not in to the whole science side. I want to feel good and look healthy. If the Paleo Diet can produce those two major results, then I will be very happy. If it means that mine time gets a little faster or my deadlift gets a little heavier then I will be truly psyched. It's my inner competitor coming out. And hey, if it means one day I get bragging rights at the gym my cycle at CrossFit might actually be complete! I feel better. I don't miss the way I was eating before. I would eat, not because I wanted to or enjoyed the food, but because it was in front of me or I was stressed out. Not a good way to eat. Now it's more for enjoyment and I have actually come across some good recipes- check out www.everydaypaleo.com or www.civilizedcaveman.com and see some of the stuff they cook. It's delicious, really.
The challenges of the diet are primarily finding the right ingredients, as many things aren't readily available anymore or we have added something to them to make them "shelf-stable." It's not much different than the way our ancestors ate pre-industrial revolution. Somebody that eats all organic is likely much more paleo than you think. Legumes are probably one of the hardest to get rid of- I like beans. That and cheese.
Prepping is difficult, too. I find that I have to spend a lot of time on the front end, trying to figure out what I am going to cook and running to the grocery stores- yes, STORES- because 1 doesn't carry parsnips, a different one has the fennel bulb and a third one is the only place I can find a flank steak. That may be a challenge of where I live, but it's a challenge none the less. You can't beat how fresh things taste, though. At this point in the 30 day challenge, it's still refreshing.
My goal when I started this whole adventure was to lose weight. Six months in to it with no diet change, I haven't done that. My body has changed. There is a lot more muscle mass, but that doesn't help with the scale. It truly is diet AND exercise that is going to make that change. Paleo just seemed right for me, or at least like the thing for me to try. Maybe the intensity of the diet is right for CrossFitters because of the intensity of the workout. There is a certain trait within that would say the two go hand in hand. It's all about what you make of it. Do I want to change my habits? Yes. Do I want to feel as though I am depriving myself? No. Currently, I don't. I am not going to be 100% and a freak about this whole thing, but in 23 days when I look at the numbers and repeat the workout, perhaps I will be faster and a little lighter. Those results will tell me where I am going to go with this. At the moment, I think it may stick around for a while. You should see the PRs that are popping up all over the gym for the folks that have gone strict for the challenge. It's crazy! Maybe one day during this trek, I will be able to say I got a PR also. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Maintaining Accountability
I am trying my hardest to get out of this 30 day Paleo Challenge that I have taken on. Last night I realized that I forgot my time for the benchmark workout that we did on Friday. We are doing the workout on day 1 and day 30. I figured if I forgot day 1 then I could just forget about the challenge and just do it again on day 30, right? NOPE! Gym folks took a photo of the times for "safe-keeping" and now I'm stuck. Will someone PLEASE enable me?
Seriously, I am on day 2. Not having that hard of a time, but this whole cooking and prep thing is going to get real old, real fast. I got home from all of the kid pick-ups at 3:15 yesterday and started snacks and food prep- I didn't stop until 7:30. Well, I fed 3 kids and then started the next dinner for the adults. Then I put 1 to bed and got 2 more ready for bed, THEN I started cooking again for round 2. I suffered from 3-4 a little but I was so busy prepping for dinner that I didn't have a ton of time to be hungry or just mindlessly eat. That's probably the only positive of all of this prep.
In order to maintain accountability, I am going to post food intake from yesterday. As far as beverage, I drank my body weight in water:
Breakfast:
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups of coffee, black (MUST buy better coffee now, which means a trip to IKEA. I'll take that!)
Snack:
Banana
Lunch:
left over grilled chicken with strawberries and pecans on a bed of spring mix greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil
Snack:
6 dried apricots
cup of grapes
Dinner: (all from a paleo cookbook- I put it all in a bowl with a bunch of greens and ate it as one thing)
Greek chicken kebabs
Greek paleo salad consisting of cucumber, orange peppers and tomatoes
SO...anyway, that's Day 1. Feeling pretty good today. Missing cheese. Already out of greens. Probably need more fruit. Screwed up the dinner for tonight already, but I think I can salvage it. Have I mentioned I hate cooking?
We shall see how the trip to the gym goes tomorrow. Yesterday was ok. A little bit ugly for me, but I am still frustrated and not on my mental game. I am not seeing the positive side of stuff at the gym and simply seeing the times. I get my butt kicked every time a workout comes up that says "X rounds for time". Mentally, the "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) works better for me. I don't mind not getting as many rounds as everyone else- at least we all stop at the same time. It's the fact that everyone finishes 2-3 minutes before me on the other days that frustrates me. I think it's because I don't like having any sort of attention directed at me. With this challenge, I have also started writing my times for workouts in a log. Perhaps that way I will be able to check back when I am feeling frustrated and take note of improvements that I have made. Let's hope those measurements that got written down for me will improve as well. I was too embarrassed to look.
Seriously, I am on day 2. Not having that hard of a time, but this whole cooking and prep thing is going to get real old, real fast. I got home from all of the kid pick-ups at 3:15 yesterday and started snacks and food prep- I didn't stop until 7:30. Well, I fed 3 kids and then started the next dinner for the adults. Then I put 1 to bed and got 2 more ready for bed, THEN I started cooking again for round 2. I suffered from 3-4 a little but I was so busy prepping for dinner that I didn't have a ton of time to be hungry or just mindlessly eat. That's probably the only positive of all of this prep.
In order to maintain accountability, I am going to post food intake from yesterday. As far as beverage, I drank my body weight in water:
Breakfast:
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups of coffee, black (MUST buy better coffee now, which means a trip to IKEA. I'll take that!)
Snack:
Banana
Lunch:
left over grilled chicken with strawberries and pecans on a bed of spring mix greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil
Snack:
6 dried apricots
cup of grapes
Dinner: (all from a paleo cookbook- I put it all in a bowl with a bunch of greens and ate it as one thing)
Greek chicken kebabs
Greek paleo salad consisting of cucumber, orange peppers and tomatoes
SO...anyway, that's Day 1. Feeling pretty good today. Missing cheese. Already out of greens. Probably need more fruit. Screwed up the dinner for tonight already, but I think I can salvage it. Have I mentioned I hate cooking?
We shall see how the trip to the gym goes tomorrow. Yesterday was ok. A little bit ugly for me, but I am still frustrated and not on my mental game. I am not seeing the positive side of stuff at the gym and simply seeing the times. I get my butt kicked every time a workout comes up that says "X rounds for time". Mentally, the "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) works better for me. I don't mind not getting as many rounds as everyone else- at least we all stop at the same time. It's the fact that everyone finishes 2-3 minutes before me on the other days that frustrates me. I think it's because I don't like having any sort of attention directed at me. With this challenge, I have also started writing my times for workouts in a log. Perhaps that way I will be able to check back when I am feeling frustrated and take note of improvements that I have made. Let's hope those measurements that got written down for me will improve as well. I was too embarrassed to look.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
In search of a new relationship
For the first time yesterday, I questioned why I was at the CrossFit gym. It was an extremely depressing day for me, as we had the weigh in for a 30 day Paleo challenge. We were weighed and measured and will go through the same torturous process in 30 days to see what kind of change there is, if any. In retrospect, I wish I had taken these measurements earlier in the game. I just need to wallow in my own self-pity for a while...even with all of the positivity that I have been able to pull up, yesterday was a "half-empty" kind of day. The one thing that is very hard for me to talk myself out of is the weight issue. So much is put in our faces about how you should look, how much you should weigh, body image, blah, blah, blah. It takes an extreme amount of self-confidence to be comfortable in your own skin. I think I have got that emotionally and socially, but throw in the self-image and that is where I am lacking.
I have never been a size 6. I admit that freely and I am pretty comfortable with it. I have been sprinter all of my life and with that comes sprinter thighs. My goals are not lofty, they are not to be that size 6. In fact, I have come around to embracing my sprinter thighs and just telling myself as long as they are strong and not jiggly, I am fine with that. I have curves- that's ok. I just don't want to be a pear.
I think I can even say that I am coming around to the "Strong is the new sexy" train of thought. If my weight is higher because of muscle, I am fine with that. However, it shouldn't be as high as it was yesterday. I should not weigh as much as many men who are 6 feet tall. I don't care what kind of positive messages anyone tries to send me- I just shouldn't. It's embarrassing. So why do I exercise at a gym where I have been told from the get-go that I won't really lose weight there? Why am I busting my ass 3 times a week to not drop a pound? It's frustrating. Wouldn't you think that by exercising even a little more than "not at all" you would lose a pound or two? It's been 6 months and I am not even at my first goal. Remember that one? Lose 8 pounds and get a new pair of sneakers. Yeah...I know. It was a LONG time ago.
I get it. It all comes down to food. I have an awful relationship with food. I hate everything about it. In fact, the worst hours of my day are from 4-6 when I have to work on dinner. Those hours run simultaneously with homework and the witching hour of one 4 and 2 year old that ends up in a crying and screaming fest and a LOT of stress. Then there is the process. I hate to cook. I hate to prep. I hate to grocery shop. I hate to clean up. In fact, the only solution I see is my own private chef, and that's NOT going to happen unless I make a gazillion dollars. Clearly, I am not on that path. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed, I turn to sugar. Upset, I'll have a cupcake. Sad and a Midnight Milky Way looks mighty fine. I need something else to turn to besides sweet food, that much I know.
So, in comes the Paleo diet. Lots of athletes and CrossFit folks take part in this diet. I don't know that I would call myself an athlete. Lately, I have questioned even the mere act of exercise. I am still struggling. My 1 rep weights have increased dramatically (I'm stronger), but I thought that by now I would have the ability to do all of this a little faster. The gym is doing a Paleo challenge for the month of June. Challenge is good for me. Deep down, I am a competitor and I can't stand the idea of failure. That should be enough of a drive to keep me going on this for at least 30 days. It doesn't look too bad. South Beach on steroids-ish. No dairy, legumes, grains, sugar. It should be interesting. I am hoping that I will be able to struggle through it. I look at it as a way to help outline what I will be eating and hopefully, make my relationship with food a little bit better. It's like having a boyfriend chosen for me. Here, take him, he's good for you. I am open to this kind of dating and I am ready for it. Now I need to try to make it fit.
**Self pity party over. I am not going to quit. I LIKE going to the gym. If for any other reason, I have met a great group of people. I hate the work outs, but I like the feeling I have for the rest of the day. I am proud of what I can do. I know I can do more.
I have never been a size 6. I admit that freely and I am pretty comfortable with it. I have been sprinter all of my life and with that comes sprinter thighs. My goals are not lofty, they are not to be that size 6. In fact, I have come around to embracing my sprinter thighs and just telling myself as long as they are strong and not jiggly, I am fine with that. I have curves- that's ok. I just don't want to be a pear.
I think I can even say that I am coming around to the "Strong is the new sexy" train of thought. If my weight is higher because of muscle, I am fine with that. However, it shouldn't be as high as it was yesterday. I should not weigh as much as many men who are 6 feet tall. I don't care what kind of positive messages anyone tries to send me- I just shouldn't. It's embarrassing. So why do I exercise at a gym where I have been told from the get-go that I won't really lose weight there? Why am I busting my ass 3 times a week to not drop a pound? It's frustrating. Wouldn't you think that by exercising even a little more than "not at all" you would lose a pound or two? It's been 6 months and I am not even at my first goal. Remember that one? Lose 8 pounds and get a new pair of sneakers. Yeah...I know. It was a LONG time ago.
I get it. It all comes down to food. I have an awful relationship with food. I hate everything about it. In fact, the worst hours of my day are from 4-6 when I have to work on dinner. Those hours run simultaneously with homework and the witching hour of one 4 and 2 year old that ends up in a crying and screaming fest and a LOT of stress. Then there is the process. I hate to cook. I hate to prep. I hate to grocery shop. I hate to clean up. In fact, the only solution I see is my own private chef, and that's NOT going to happen unless I make a gazillion dollars. Clearly, I am not on that path. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed, I turn to sugar. Upset, I'll have a cupcake. Sad and a Midnight Milky Way looks mighty fine. I need something else to turn to besides sweet food, that much I know.
So, in comes the Paleo diet. Lots of athletes and CrossFit folks take part in this diet. I don't know that I would call myself an athlete. Lately, I have questioned even the mere act of exercise. I am still struggling. My 1 rep weights have increased dramatically (I'm stronger), but I thought that by now I would have the ability to do all of this a little faster. The gym is doing a Paleo challenge for the month of June. Challenge is good for me. Deep down, I am a competitor and I can't stand the idea of failure. That should be enough of a drive to keep me going on this for at least 30 days. It doesn't look too bad. South Beach on steroids-ish. No dairy, legumes, grains, sugar. It should be interesting. I am hoping that I will be able to struggle through it. I look at it as a way to help outline what I will be eating and hopefully, make my relationship with food a little bit better. It's like having a boyfriend chosen for me. Here, take him, he's good for you. I am open to this kind of dating and I am ready for it. Now I need to try to make it fit.
**Self pity party over. I am not going to quit. I LIKE going to the gym. If for any other reason, I have met a great group of people. I hate the work outs, but I like the feeling I have for the rest of the day. I am proud of what I can do. I know I can do more.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Digging Deep
On Fridays we often have a work out that is known as a "chipper," meaning you chip away at it until you finish it. Oftentimes, these chippers are what they also call Hero WODs. The CrossFit community is very encouraging, supportive and generous. I think that is why I like it so much. In addition to meeting some great people and having a common torture to bear, the people that take part are also community minded. You won't find many selfish people doing CrossFit workouts. At least not at the gym I go to. A Hero WOD is one in honor of a fallen soldier and it is a chipper. You will often get both the work out and a little bit about the hero that you are honoring by doing said workout on that particular day. I don't mind Fridays. They are a gentle (or torturous) way of keeping in mind that there are people stretching themselves to their physical limits every day so that I can keep on blogging and saying what I want to say, when I want to say it.
This past Friday was a Hero WOD (thank you, Lt. Nuttall for your sacrifice) and it was truly a chipper. It was terrifying. I struggled just coming up with a reason why I should go to the gym on Friday, but I think the fact that it was a Hero WOD made me go. If these people can be out in the deserts doing this stuff, the least I can do is give it a try at the gym where people aren't shooting at me in addition to making me exercise for my very life. So, off I went. Any time you see a workout that says there is a time cap of 40 minutes you know it's going to be a tough one.
I have done 3 work outs that have included double unders since my initial kiss of death. The work outs have included a fair number of them- 20, 50 and then Friday- 200!! WHAT?! You are kidding me, right? In a moment of humility, I realized that 200 was a few too many and the routine would take me at least 3 hours to complete if I attempted to do all of them. So, I scaled it (you are allowed) and decided in a moment of lapsed judgement that I would attempt 100 double unders. Keep in mind that I am only able to do 1 at a time. 1 double, 2 singles, 1 double, 2 singles- you get the idea.
3-2-1 go! The workout started without much problem- some deadlifts, some push ups, then came the pull-ups and I felt myself getting winded. On to wall balls-100 of those suckers. OUCH!!! People are good at different things. I like to think that I am not so bad at a wall ball, but 100 can render me unable to walk on a good day. This was just the middle of the workout. I was tired, but I think it was more because I knew what else was coming. *Insert the Psycho music here* Double Unders!!
And this is where CrossFit mentality comes in. I like to think that perhaps I got a little taste of what some of these soldiers feel also as I was working through these. I had to dig deep on this one-deeper than I have ever had to go before. There are work outs that have made me feel like stopping right in the middle, but I have never really had to talk myself out of it. By double under 32 I was ready to quit. I told myself-just make it to 50 and you can scale back to sit ups and finish with sit ups. Nobody will notice. I got to 50 and I wanted to cry- I almost did, but I couldn't breathe enough to cry. Somebody yelled, "You got this, Kasey" and I decided that I would try for 10 more. When I got to 41 left I realized that I couldn't give up. I had to keep doing it. By the time I got to 30 left I was telling myself that even if I did go over the 40 minute cap, I was going to finish this thing, damn it. So, from 32 to 70 I gave up, I cried (internally), I got pissed and I kept going. I found a place inside of me that I didn't think I had and I made it through 100 of the damn things!
Hallelujah! Oh, wait. I still had a 400m run with a 25 lb. sandbag left. Katy helped put that sandbag on my shoulders and off I went. The first 200 didn't go well. My legs would barely carry me and I went so slow that while I thought I was running, I was actually walking. I picked it back up though as soon as I could control my breathing a bit and by the second 200 I thought I could actually go farther. I will note that once you turn around you are going down hill-it's the slightest slope, but when you can barely lift your feet a downward slope feels good. Then Katy challenged me as she was running with me at the end. "You aren't going to let me beat you, are you?" And there it was...NO! She wasn't going to beat me and this work out wasn't going to beat me. I dug inside for the last ounce I had and found the ability to sprint the final 50m and make it in 37:40.
Lt. Nuttall and the CrossFit community-thank you. Because of you I found inside of me a place I have never been. A strength that I knew was there, but haven't called on in a long time. Physical or mental, the whole package had to work together on this one and while it almost beat me, I am proud to say that I was able to dig deep and conquer the WOD. It was a good day.
This past Friday was a Hero WOD (thank you, Lt. Nuttall for your sacrifice) and it was truly a chipper. It was terrifying. I struggled just coming up with a reason why I should go to the gym on Friday, but I think the fact that it was a Hero WOD made me go. If these people can be out in the deserts doing this stuff, the least I can do is give it a try at the gym where people aren't shooting at me in addition to making me exercise for my very life. So, off I went. Any time you see a workout that says there is a time cap of 40 minutes you know it's going to be a tough one.
I have done 3 work outs that have included double unders since my initial kiss of death. The work outs have included a fair number of them- 20, 50 and then Friday- 200!! WHAT?! You are kidding me, right? In a moment of humility, I realized that 200 was a few too many and the routine would take me at least 3 hours to complete if I attempted to do all of them. So, I scaled it (you are allowed) and decided in a moment of lapsed judgement that I would attempt 100 double unders. Keep in mind that I am only able to do 1 at a time. 1 double, 2 singles, 1 double, 2 singles- you get the idea.
3-2-1 go! The workout started without much problem- some deadlifts, some push ups, then came the pull-ups and I felt myself getting winded. On to wall balls-100 of those suckers. OUCH!!! People are good at different things. I like to think that I am not so bad at a wall ball, but 100 can render me unable to walk on a good day. This was just the middle of the workout. I was tired, but I think it was more because I knew what else was coming. *Insert the Psycho music here* Double Unders!!
And this is where CrossFit mentality comes in. I like to think that perhaps I got a little taste of what some of these soldiers feel also as I was working through these. I had to dig deep on this one-deeper than I have ever had to go before. There are work outs that have made me feel like stopping right in the middle, but I have never really had to talk myself out of it. By double under 32 I was ready to quit. I told myself-just make it to 50 and you can scale back to sit ups and finish with sit ups. Nobody will notice. I got to 50 and I wanted to cry- I almost did, but I couldn't breathe enough to cry. Somebody yelled, "You got this, Kasey" and I decided that I would try for 10 more. When I got to 41 left I realized that I couldn't give up. I had to keep doing it. By the time I got to 30 left I was telling myself that even if I did go over the 40 minute cap, I was going to finish this thing, damn it. So, from 32 to 70 I gave up, I cried (internally), I got pissed and I kept going. I found a place inside of me that I didn't think I had and I made it through 100 of the damn things!
Hallelujah! Oh, wait. I still had a 400m run with a 25 lb. sandbag left. Katy helped put that sandbag on my shoulders and off I went. The first 200 didn't go well. My legs would barely carry me and I went so slow that while I thought I was running, I was actually walking. I picked it back up though as soon as I could control my breathing a bit and by the second 200 I thought I could actually go farther. I will note that once you turn around you are going down hill-it's the slightest slope, but when you can barely lift your feet a downward slope feels good. Then Katy challenged me as she was running with me at the end. "You aren't going to let me beat you, are you?" And there it was...NO! She wasn't going to beat me and this work out wasn't going to beat me. I dug inside for the last ounce I had and found the ability to sprint the final 50m and make it in 37:40.
Lt. Nuttall and the CrossFit community-thank you. Because of you I found inside of me a place I have never been. A strength that I knew was there, but haven't called on in a long time. Physical or mental, the whole package had to work together on this one and while it almost beat me, I am proud to say that I was able to dig deep and conquer the WOD. It was a good day.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Cleaning Woes Be Gone
My house is clean and I didn't clean it. I am not so sure how I feel about this exciting new development. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a clean house. I can see clearly out the shower door, the spots on my floor where the juice has spilled or the dog has slobbered have been removed and every toilet is sparkling. All of that and my hands are no worse for the wear. Who would complain? I guess I am not complaining, I am just trying to come to terms with it.
Hiring someone to help me clean the house has been a source of many hours of conversation between James and I. He has been for it and I have been against it. My take on it has been that since I am no longer working outside the home, a major component of my job as a stay at home mom is to keep a clean house. By admitting I can't keep up, I am admitting I can't do my job. James believes that asking for help in this way is simply a way to free myself up to do other tasks and why not get rid of this part of the job? Outsource, if you will.
Hiring someone to help me clean the house has been a source of many hours of conversation between James and I. He has been for it and I have been against it. My take on it has been that since I am no longer working outside the home, a major component of my job as a stay at home mom is to keep a clean house. By admitting I can't keep up, I am admitting I can't do my job. James believes that asking for help in this way is simply a way to free myself up to do other tasks and why not get rid of this part of the job? Outsource, if you will.
The scary part is, I spent 2 days removing clutter and straightening up. I made each kid clean their respective bedrooms and then the morning the cleaners were to come, I made every bed in the house and did the dishes. Even though it clearly stated that the cleaners would do that, I just couldn't allow it. How could I let them see how disgusting my house had gotten? Now, here is the kicker...the cleaners that came the first time aren't the ones I hired. This was just a "free" cleaning I got through a promotion at Jordan's furniture so the REAL cleaning person won't see how horrible the showers really looked. I will never see The Maids again because they saw my house at its all time worst. That one simple fact was the only reason I let them in. (They did do a good job, I just opted for someone a little less "factory" style)
I'm still trying to come to terms with the whole idea. I'm a little embarrassed by it. I recognize that this is a luxury that not everyone has the ability to enjoy, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I have managed to get over the feeling of failure at my job and am actually beginning to embrace the idea. The fact that after school or the gym I don't have to race home to get something cleaned feels good. I didn't realize what a weight was on my shoulders until it was lifted. Every time I sat down at night I would be thinking of the things I should be doing and telling myself I shouldn't sit down. Now I can actually enjoy a minute or two. The first time the house was cleaned I caught myself in my normal routine and when Jillian asked me to play with her stuffed animals with her for a little while I said to her, "Jillian, I will play with you a little later. Right now I have to clean." I realized then that in fact I DIDN'T have to clean anything and I promptly plopped myself on the floor and watched a pink penguin and a tie dyed bear do a ballet recital with a cast of other fabulously decorated stuffies. It was wonderful. Coming to terms with this might be easier than I thought!
I'm still trying to come to terms with the whole idea. I'm a little embarrassed by it. I recognize that this is a luxury that not everyone has the ability to enjoy, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I have managed to get over the feeling of failure at my job and am actually beginning to embrace the idea. The fact that after school or the gym I don't have to race home to get something cleaned feels good. I didn't realize what a weight was on my shoulders until it was lifted. Every time I sat down at night I would be thinking of the things I should be doing and telling myself I shouldn't sit down. Now I can actually enjoy a minute or two. The first time the house was cleaned I caught myself in my normal routine and when Jillian asked me to play with her stuffed animals with her for a little while I said to her, "Jillian, I will play with you a little later. Right now I have to clean." I realized then that in fact I DIDN'T have to clean anything and I promptly plopped myself on the floor and watched a pink penguin and a tie dyed bear do a ballet recital with a cast of other fabulously decorated stuffies. It was wonderful. Coming to terms with this might be easier than I thought!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Kiss of Death
When you push yourself and you actually accomplish something it feels great. Until you realize that you may have just screwed yourself for all eternity...which is exactly what I did on Monday.
Double unders have been a thing of fear to me since I joined the gym. Honestly, the only person that should be doing these is Rocky- and even then, I believe Sylvester Stallone may have had a stunt double who did them for him! I NEVER thought that I would be able to do a double under, let alone two in a row. Yesterday, when the work out came up in such a way that you were simply trying to get as many reps as you could in 2 minutes I figured, "Why not?" I am so used to being last at the gym that even if I only got 2 in those 2 minutes I would be glad I got something. I was pretty sure my shins wouldn't be glad, but I would.
There I stood. Warm up done, preparing the bar for my pull-ups (I'll go there another day...) and grabbing my jump rope for that portion of the workout when I decided I would try to get 1-just a warm up. BAM! To my own amazement and surprise, I did one. Now I couldn't turn back. I had to see how many I could do in the work out. Therein lies the problem. There is no turning back.
What drove me to try a double under? Let me tell you. The workouts are scaled and as you get better at some things, you get a much higher ratio. So, as my jump roping improved, thanks to many years of playground games, my ratio went from 2:1 up to 4:1. So, rather than doing 50 double unders I was doing 200 singles. In a workout where you are doing 5 rounds for time that means I am doing 1000 singles. If you have had children and tried jump roping (or sometimes, simply jumping) you can understand what 1000 singles can do to a woman. I wanted out of that scenario. Fewer jumps, higher and faster would get me there.
No turning back. 19 double unders in two minutes. I am PSYCHED and frightened at the same time. It was not at all pretty. I was an uncoordinated mess. I forgot how to do a single at one point and couldn't pull it together enough to figure out the double without stopping. Part of me was just so excited that I was getting any that I couldn't even hold myself together. The other part of me was exhausted, but had to keep going and couldn't remember how.
The issue now is that I have done them. I can't go back to singles. Doubles will be a major challenge and it is one that I accept but from here on out I will have to understand that I will be even slower in the workouts. I know that with practice, they will come. The only way I can get better is to keep doing them and I will. Picking and choosing what you are going to do is not an option. I have shown that I am capable and now I will have to make myself proficient. It's the only way to do it.
As I sit here and look at my times and talk about being the slowest one I realize that I am improving. Even if I am not getting faster, I am getting stronger. The last time I did a workout my box jumps were only about 12 inches-now I can do them at 20 inches. My jump roping ratio was 2:1 and as of yesterday, I am able to move to double unders. So, I may not be the fastest at any of this stuff, but I am getting better. Each day is a challenge. As I choose to accept the challenge I know that it would be a lot easier to keep doing what I am doing, but wouldn't that defeat why I am there in the first place? I am not going to sit here and be complacent with my own abilities or accept mediocrity by saying "that's good enough."
Stronger. Better. Faster. That's the direction I am going. Watch out, Rocky!
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