For the first time yesterday, I questioned why I was at the CrossFit gym. It was an extremely depressing day for me, as we had the weigh in for a 30 day Paleo challenge. We were weighed and measured and will go through the same torturous process in 30 days to see what kind of change there is, if any. In retrospect, I wish I had taken these measurements earlier in the game. I just need to wallow in my own self-pity for a while...even with all of the positivity that I have been able to pull up, yesterday was a "half-empty" kind of day. The one thing that is very hard for me to talk myself out of is the weight issue. So much is put in our faces about how you should look, how much you should weigh, body image, blah, blah, blah. It takes an extreme amount of self-confidence to be comfortable in your own skin. I think I have got that emotionally and socially, but throw in the self-image and that is where I am lacking.
I have never been a size 6. I admit that freely and I am pretty comfortable with it. I have been sprinter all of my life and with that comes sprinter thighs. My goals are not lofty, they are not to be that size 6. In fact, I have come around to embracing my sprinter thighs and just telling myself as long as they are strong and not jiggly, I am fine with that. I have curves- that's ok. I just don't want to be a pear.
I think I can even say that I am coming around to the "Strong is the new sexy" train of thought. If my weight is higher because of muscle, I am fine with that. However, it shouldn't be as high as it was yesterday. I should not weigh as much as many men who are 6 feet tall. I don't care what kind of positive messages anyone tries to send me- I just shouldn't. It's embarrassing. So why do I exercise at a gym where I have been told from the get-go that I won't really lose weight there? Why am I busting my ass 3 times a week to not drop a pound? It's frustrating. Wouldn't you think that by exercising even a little more than "not at all" you would lose a pound or two? It's been 6 months and I am not even at my first goal. Remember that one? Lose 8 pounds and get a new pair of sneakers. Yeah...I know. It was a LONG time ago.
I get it. It all comes down to food. I have an awful relationship with food. I hate everything about it. In fact, the worst hours of my day are from 4-6 when I have to work on dinner. Those hours run simultaneously with homework and the witching hour of one 4 and 2 year old that ends up in a crying and screaming fest and a LOT of stress. Then there is the process. I hate to cook. I hate to prep. I hate to grocery shop. I hate to clean up. In fact, the only solution I see is my own private chef, and that's NOT going to happen unless I make a gazillion dollars. Clearly, I am not on that path. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed, I turn to sugar. Upset, I'll have a cupcake. Sad and a Midnight Milky Way looks mighty fine. I need something else to turn to besides sweet food, that much I know.
So, in comes the Paleo diet. Lots of athletes and CrossFit folks take part in this diet. I don't know that I would call myself an athlete. Lately, I have questioned even the mere act of exercise. I am still struggling. My 1 rep weights have increased dramatically (I'm stronger), but I thought that by now I would have the ability to do all of this a little faster. The gym is doing a Paleo challenge for the month of June. Challenge is good for me. Deep down, I am a competitor and I can't stand the idea of failure. That should be enough of a drive to keep me going on this for at least 30 days. It doesn't look too bad. South Beach on steroids-ish. No dairy, legumes, grains, sugar. It should be interesting. I am hoping that I will be able to struggle through it. I look at it as a way to help outline what I will be eating and hopefully, make my relationship with food a little bit better. It's like having a boyfriend chosen for me. Here, take him, he's good for you. I am open to this kind of dating and I am ready for it. Now I need to try to make it fit.
**Self pity party over. I am not going to quit. I LIKE going to the gym. If for any other reason, I have met a great group of people. I hate the work outs, but I like the feeling I have for the rest of the day. I am proud of what I can do. I know I can do more.
No comments:
Post a Comment