If there is one thing in this world that I hate it's not being able to do something. I will work my heart out to make sure that I prove you wrong. Maybe it's just the fact that you are trying to say you are right and I just want to make sure I squash that, but either way...I hate not being able to do something.
I was forced to face this on Wednesday, during week 4 of the CrossFit Open. The workout consisted of toes to bar and it's something that I can't do, yet. I just started working on the unassisted kip while hanging from the bar about 3 weeks ago. I remember clearly saying that one day I wanted to be able to do an unassisted pull up and if I wanted to be able to kip by that point, I should start practicing immediately. For those of you in the know, you realize that I am likely 4-6 months away from an unassisted pull up, and I will tell you that it will take me that ENTIRE time to figure out the unassisted kip. That one movement also equates to the toes to bar. Therein lies my problem.
I did it. I went to the workout with all of my embarrassment and pulled up my big girl pants to accept the challenge before me. No matter how uncomfortable I was with the impending failure, I knew I had to do it. Seven minutes. Three 95# clean and jerks- easy. Three toes to bar. I can't. I'll try. I will. Warm up. Skipped the toes to bar in the warm up and stuck to the lifts. Listened to all of the advice flying around the gym and realized that I would in fact do 3 clean and jerks at that weight in the first 45 seconds and spend 6 minutes and 15 seconds on the toes to bar. Then I decided to try one. Holy CRAP! I got it!! One more- got that too! OK- Boyle out, two is enough. Wait- one more. GOT IT! So, here I am and I hit three in the warm ups.
3-2-1 Go! Weights up and done, then I move on. I spent 6 minutes and 15 seconds trying to get the toes to bar, only to get 1. Time is up. I have never walked out of that place more frustrated and pissed off as I did that day. How dare my body tell me I can't do a toes to bar. Screw that. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated and I was pissed. All time low. Tears started flowing and I had to leave. I couldn't stand even being there I was so angry.
Celebrate the little things. It was 4 more than I have ever hit in my life! A PR! Fifteen months ago, I couldn't get my knees to my elbows from the bar. Now I am hitting the toes to bar? Celebrate. How come? I sit and watch people walk in to the gym each and every day that kick my ass. They spend one month working on the bar and have an unassisted kipping toe to bar without a thought. I have to start practicing the kip just to even THINK about the next step. It doesn't come easy to me. I have to work hard for all of it. I always have. I keep moving. It might be at a slower pace, but I keep moving forward.
I have spent days thinking about this. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't gone back to the gym since it happened. I can't even think about it without beating myself up. It has been difficult to accept the pats on the back and good wishes. I sucked. I only got one. Not what I wanted and not where I wanted to be. It has been over a year. I should be better.
Eight o'clock rolled around tonight and you have to enter your scores in the CrossFit Open. I thought long and hard. I didn't want to enter my score. Four. How do you type that in and keep your head high? Clock was ticking. 7:48 p.m. and I pull out the computer. I own it. Four was my score. I can clean and jerk 95 pounds like the best of them. I can't do a toes to bar. But I got one. So my score wasn't 3. It was 4. I worked for that toes to bar. I worked my hardest. There was no slacking. No giving up. When I had 20 seconds left, I went back to that bar and tried again. I found myself somewhat excited at 7:48 to put in my score. I believe that when someone sees my score of 4 they will realize that it was most likely my first toes to bar. Excuse for a crappy score or pride in that number? I'm not sure yet. Either way, I own it. I'll take responsibility for it and I will wait for whatever trouncing I get in the last week of this competition. Head held high.
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