Holding Up My Head

If there is one thing in this world that I hate it's not being able to do something. I will work my heart out to make sure that I prove you wrong. Maybe it's just the fact that you are trying to say you are right and I just want to make sure I squash that, but either way...I hate not being able to do something.

I was forced to face this on Wednesday, during week 4 of the CrossFit Open. The workout consisted of toes to bar and it's something that I can't do, yet. I just started working on the unassisted kip while hanging from the bar about 3 weeks ago. I remember clearly saying that one day I wanted to be able to do an unassisted pull up and if I wanted to be able to kip by that point, I should start practicing immediately. For those of you in the know, you realize that I am likely 4-6 months away from an unassisted pull up, and I will tell you that it will take me that ENTIRE time to figure out the unassisted kip. That one movement also equates to the toes to bar. Therein lies my problem.

I did it. I went to the workout with all of my embarrassment and pulled up my big girl pants to accept the challenge before me. No matter how uncomfortable I was with the impending failure, I knew I had to do it. Seven minutes. Three 95# clean and jerks- easy. Three toes to bar. I can't. I'll try. I will. Warm up. Skipped the toes to bar in the warm up and stuck to the lifts. Listened to all of the advice flying around the gym and realized that I would in fact do 3 clean and jerks at that weight in the first 45 seconds and spend 6 minutes and 15 seconds on the toes to bar. Then I decided to try one. Holy CRAP! I got it!! One more- got that too!  OK- Boyle out, two is enough. Wait- one more. GOT IT! So, here I am and I hit three in the warm ups.

3-2-1 Go! Weights up and done, then I move on. I spent 6 minutes and 15 seconds trying to get the toes to bar, only to get 1. Time is up. I have never walked out of that place more frustrated and pissed off as I did that day. How dare my body tell me I can't do a toes to bar. Screw that. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated and I was pissed. All time low. Tears started flowing and I had to leave. I couldn't stand even being there I was so angry.

Celebrate the little things. It was 4 more than I have ever hit in my life! A PR! Fifteen months ago, I couldn't get my knees to my elbows from the bar. Now I am hitting the toes to bar? Celebrate. How come? I sit and watch people walk in to the gym each and every day that kick my ass. They spend one month working on the bar and have an unassisted kipping toe to bar without a thought. I have to start practicing the kip just to even THINK about the next step. It doesn't come easy to me. I have to work hard for all of it. I always have. I keep moving. It might be at a slower pace, but I keep moving forward.

I have spent days thinking about this. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't gone back to the gym since it happened. I can't even think about it without beating myself up. It has been difficult to accept the pats on the back and good wishes. I sucked. I only got one. Not what I wanted and not where I wanted to be. It has been over a year. I should be better.

Eight o'clock rolled around tonight and you have to enter your scores in the CrossFit Open. I thought long and hard. I didn't want to enter my score. Four. How do you type that in and keep your head high?  Clock was ticking. 7:48 p.m. and I pull out the computer. I own it. Four was my score. I can clean and jerk 95 pounds like the best of them. I can't do a toes to bar. But I got one. So my score wasn't 3. It was 4. I worked for that toes to bar. I worked my hardest. There was no slacking. No giving up. When I had 20 seconds left, I went back to that bar and tried again. I found myself somewhat excited at 7:48 to put in my score. I believe that when someone sees my score of 4 they will realize that it was most likely my first toes to bar. Excuse for a crappy score or pride in that number? I'm not sure yet. Either way, I own it. I'll take responsibility for it and I will wait for whatever trouncing I get in the last week of this competition. Head held high.

Riding the High

I'm riding the CrossFit high today. Every Wednesday during the competition we have been given pre-game workouts. Not for time, lots of different movements and very few reps. It has been good for me, as I have been using the time to try heavier kettle bells (55lbs) or thinner bands, etc. Form, form, form. And lots of practice.

Today, for the first time I hit 1 toes to bar. I followed that up with 33 double unders- in a row!! I also managed strict pull ups on the red band-something I have never done. I am insanely psyched.

For as excited as I am (I feel like telling EVERYONE) I also know that tomorrow the pendulum can swing. The high I feel can be equally as low because I get hit with a goat workout or just have an off day. However, that's what keeps me going back so I'm going to ride this one out.

I love this shit!

Just when you think things are settling down and you can start to focus on strength and form more you do something a little crazy- like stringing together double unders.  It may be a fluke. A one shot deal. BUT- the problem is- now you have done them. There is no turning back to whatever old crutch you may have used, like doing a double, then a single, then a double and so on. Nope. Those days of at least knowing you can do the double unders with your crutch are done. Thrusting you back in to the times when you dread going to the gym because of the frustration that will inevitably ensue when you have a difficult day stringing together even 2 double unders and your times fall completely apart because you are jumping around the gym floor like a fool trying to get just one. Walking out pissed off and anxious to rest and get back at it in another day or two so you can show those double unders who is boss.

Bring it. I love this shit.

First Competition

To compete or not to compete? I have been confronted with that question a few times lately at the gym and I recently chose not to join a 2 day competition that was hosted by the two boxes in town. I struggled for days, no weeks, about whether or not I should do it. I went from embarrasment about the fact that I would be in the scaled division for the competition to the fact that I didn't want to spend 2 days away from the family during what is typically the least stressful time of the week to the fear of working out in front of all of those strangers. Each reason was cringe worthy. Ultimately, the competition sold out and time ran out. I was relieved.

Enter blizzard called Nemo and the competition gets rescheduled. To a weekend that many could not attend and had to drop out for one reason or another. And so another level of guilt. Now it is because I am not supporting the gym that I belong to by paying the money and just doing the competition. James ended up signing up on Wednesday before the event and did an awesome job. We share the gym, and are reasonably fair when it comes to taking turns and making sure we get each other there.

Now we have the CrossFit Open. I finally decided that this was one that I could do. The workouts are done at the gym and you enter them online to see your ranking. Stressor number one: I am in the MASTERS division. YIKES!!! When did that happen? When I think of Masters division athletes, I think of old people. I am NOT old. However, I will be 40 by the time of the Games, so technically I am in the Masters Division. Give them one weekend of watching me parent and they will realize that I am defnitely NOT worthy of the Masters title. I mean honestly, who thought I was old enough or responsible enough to mold young minds?

I digress. Week 1 has come and gone. Heading in to the announcement of the WOD I was contemplating not even doing the whole thing. I go to the gym consistently 3 times per week. The gym is open 6 days per week. What are the chances that the days the WOD will be judged are 2 of the 3 days that I DON'T go? Well, if your last name is Boyle, those chances are super high. So, stressor number 2 of the event- I have to figure out how to get to the gym on Thursdays or Saturdays to compete. I managed during week 1 to get there-small victory that I will take. I'm not thinking I will last in to week 5 or 6 (however many there are) so each week I do go is a success.

Stressor number 3: I'm not one to enjoy the spotlight. Being judged in a competition is probably one of the scariest parts for me. I am stuck with someone watching me do what it is I am doing one-on-one. I hate every minute of it. Thankfully, I am able to go deep inside myself when I work out and I hear very little of what is going on around me.

I honestly didn't think I was buying in to the hype of a competition, but the feeling of wanting to vomit before I heard the "3-2-1 Go!" might have said otherwise. The intense lightness of my shoulders even after 60 snatches at increasing weight might say that I was a little freaked out about the whole thing. I was pleased with my results. I didn't think I would make it as far as I did. I am not a fast CrossFitter (still surprises me, I was a sprinter in my past athletic life). I was happy with the end result. I knew I could do it.

Here's the thing. I compete with myself EVERY day at the gym. I heard someone say that competitions are a great reason to make you push for that one extra rep. I don't know about anyone else, but I am ALWAYS pissed when I don't get one more. I say I was pleased, but I am saying inside, "I really wanted 5 more burpees, not 3." I am never at a point in a work out where I say," Oh, that's good enough." I might say, "I'm done" but usually it wasn't good enough. That's what keeps me going back. I know I am not a world class athlete, but I am competing every day against myself. Against the me I used to be. Against the doubter inside of me that doesn't think I can lift that much, get that many reps or run that distance. Against the people out there that can't believe that I have accomplished what I have or that say "Paleo is a fad and what is going to happen when you stop eating that way?"

Signing up for a competition is still new to me. I have never even run a 5K (or walked one for that matter). Will I do it again? I don't know. Maybe. Let's see how the rest of this one goes.