Thieves Be Gone

Morning!! Don't compare yourself to others in the box - It runs the risk of stealing your joy! If you RX, but come in 'last' (hate that word), don't diminish your RX by saying 'but I came in last'... YOU finished and you busted your ass!! It doesn't matter if you finish in 5 minutes, 15 minutes or 30 minutes... Be better than the YOU that you were yesterday! If you compare yourself to YOU, you will never steal your joy because you'll always be BETTER! Don't compare to others.. just YOU!!! :) -Shan

**This post was from Facebook and was displayed originally by Woman of Crossfit=Strong. 




On Friday morning, I made it to the 10:30 class at the gym. It has been a long week of vacation, non-Paleo eating and quite simply intense child time. I really needed the morning class to escape, if even for an hour. One hour gives me a quick dose of everything I need- my adult humor and conversation as well as a period in which I am simply being. I am up against nothing but myself and I am not thinking about the next event, pick-up, meal or anything else. I am simply in the moment, whatever that moment may be and all I am thinking about is getting through that block of time. It's kind of nice- fail or succeed. I am me, and I am there.

The post above was shared on the CrossFit Rumble page of Facebook today. It couldn't be more pertinent to my experience at the gym yesterday. I walked in thinking that the workout looked tough. The WODs will come back around every now and then and you remember the tough ones. This one was called "The Shining." I remember doing it way back when, and not being able to RX even a little bit of it. Sometimes I can do 2 of the 3 portions of the WOD and I have to scale the 3rd, sometimes I can't even do that. On this particular one, I thought that I wanted to give it a shot and try this time to RX the whole thing. I knew it was going to be tough. I was going to have a hard time with it, but I have done each movement of the WOD alone and been able to complete the reps and weights. If I didn't try, I would walk out of the gym telling myself I should have tried it and felt guilty the entire day for sandbagging the workout.

This is where the above quote hits home. When I was done with the WOD (25 kettlebells at 35 lbs; 50 double unders; 15 hang power cleans at 95 lbs: 4 rounds for time) I wrote my time up on the board with both embarrassment and pride. I was embarrassed because I had the slowest time on the board- and probably would be the slowest time for the rest of the day. It took me 30:36. I was proud because I did it. I suffered through and swore like a truck driver on each failed hang power clean because I knew that I had to do that rep again. I stopped and almost threw my rope through the wall when I got to rep 48 on the double unders and missed. Then I laughed at myself because I was considering double unders my rest. I almost dropped the kettlebell on my head not once, but twice. When I wondered why, I was pretty sure the answer was simply, "You are exhausted." BUT-I made it through.

For months, I have been comparing myself to people younger than myself, people more fit than myself, and people who quite frankly started this whole journey in a very different place than I did. I get frustrated because I can't complete an unassisted pull up or a handstand push up like the people that have only been at the gym for 4 months can. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I have finally come to the point where I am not worried about taking 10 minutes more than the last person, because you know what? I just RX'd that stupid WOD and didn't give up. I AM better than I was yesterday and I am a HELL of a lot better than I was 1 year ago. 

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. The point where I will not be afraid to attempt to RX a workout because I am going to be so far behind everyone else. I will know inside of myself that the time of 30:36 was a hard earned time filled with blood, sweat and quite possibly tears and I did it. On my own. Add that to my list of accomplishments and think with pride about how far I have come. Don't sweat the time. The Shining will come again, and when it does I will RX it again- faster.

A Number Problem

I have commitment problems. I will admit it. The longest I have lived somewhere since 1990 has been 5 years. Maybe I will put down roots here on the Cape, but I don't want to commit. I am also NOT committing to restarting this blog or anything, but maybe I will have another round of it and send an update out in to cyber oblivion.

Since I started this blog, I have lost 33 pounds. Holy cow, right? I KNOW! I am happy about it, but it's a double edged happiness. I say this because I am mortified that I EVER got to the spot where I needed to lose 33 pounds. It's pretty embarrassing. I suppose in this instance, it could be said that I am a half-empty kind of person. What I am proud of is the fact this I got off the path I was traveling on and decided to do something different. Maybe it was because I was told by my doctor at my physical three weeks before I started CrossFit that I was in the high risk pool for adult on-set diabetes, but something told me to change my flight pattern and get back on track.

And so, here I am. A little over a year later and 33 pounds lighter. I have only dropped 1 clothing size. If you entered my height and my current weight in to the BMI scale, I would still be considered obese.

Half empty? Nope. This glass is half full.

Back in June we were given a workout that included deadlifting your body weight. I can remember the embarrassment that I felt when I read that workout. No WAY could I deadlift my body weight.  Recently, a workout showed up where you had to deadlift your body weight once again.  I couldn't wait to do the workout and simply lift my body weight. Granted, I have lost weight so the weight of the lift has gone down but even better- I could deadlift my OLD body weight! I could walk up to that bar and load the thing up with my old weight and easily pick it up-as a matter of fact, I can lift more than what I used to weigh.

The only numbers I think about these days in relation to my body are the weights I use in various lifts and how they keep going up. I am happy when a number goes up now, because it is no longer a number on the scale that is moving up.

I still put myself on the scale. I still think about the size jeans I wear, the size pants I am putting on. It's out there. We are inundated with it. But if I take the time to really sit back and think about it, I would tell you that those numbers don't matter. I will never be that skinny chick. It isn't in my genes. Perhaps my size won't change much from here. What will change is my physical condition...and with it my mental health. I can make that happen.

Would I like to lose 10 more pounds? Of course I would. Why? I don't know- because I guess I am stuck on that number. I have a bit more work to do before I am completely free of the stereotypes that are out there, but I think one of the most liberating things about this journey so far has been the gradual demise of my number fixation on a scale and in exchange a new number fixation on the amount of weight I can dead lift, power snatch or clean and jerk.

My Time Will Come

Some people have it, some people don't. For some, things come naturally and for others those things takes months of hard work and dedication. I have begun to develop a new respect for the people who are naturally aware of their body and it's movements. Dancers, gymnasts, and of course, CrossFitters. I am in fact NOT one of those who can naturally control my body and it's motions.

Hindsight is 20/20. I think back now and I can't tell you how many times I have said, "I have the rhythm of a 2 year old" when it comes to dancing. I can't dance. I know that. I can do the cheesy 80s moves, but that's because they are cheesy and rather silly looking to say the least. Hold a video of me up next to a video of J-Lo (who, by the way, naturally has got IT) and you will see what I mean. In fact, hold that video up next to any high school age girl and you will see what I mean.

I think the first time I realized that I am a bit of an uncoordinated mess goes all the way back to senior year of high school. There I was, on the slopes of beautiful northern Sweden after having finished a week's worth of half-day lessons with an equally beautiful Swedish skier by the name of Kjell (shell) and I was zooming down the rather busy face of the mountain. All of a sudden, my head said go left and my body went right and I was done. Splat on the side of the mountain and not just anywhere on the side of the mountain, but directly underneath the chair lifts (because of course, that's my luck). I'm not joking when I tell you I heard the gasps from people that watched me fall. It wasn't that bad, but  what shocked them more was the rather odd looking pretzel shape that I was sitting in under the chairs. All of a sudden, from about 20 feet above I hear,"Are you all right? I'll be right there!" Much to my embarrassment, a kind Swede knew that 1) I was American and 2) I was in a bit of a tight spot. I could not figure out how to command my legs to untangle themselves. I lost all sense in the time/space relationship to be able to tell my left leg to extract itself from the pretzel. This was not because I was hurt- I skiied the rest of the afternoon. It was because I had no idea how to tell my various muscles to move. I can't control my body that way...that's why I ran and swam and also why I am a sprinter. All or nothing- no control. I worked my hardest to get myself up and skiing away before any of those folks on the chair lift made it even remotely close to my side of the mountain. Thankfully, after I took both skis off and threw the poles I was able to use my arms to move my legs out of each other's way.

I stand now, thinking about this as I am wrapping up month 1 of trying to do a kipping pull-up. I have practiced a bit each time I go in to the gym and am trying to get the motion down, but it's not there yet. I watch another woman who also tried to get the kipping pull-up. She started about 2 weeks after me and has been doing them for about a week now. Even I can figure out it only took her 1 week to put all of the moves together and get it. I'm on week 4. I have coordination issues. I am now able to string together multiple dead lifts, but that's about as far as I go. Still working on the kipping pull-up and not quite there. I just don't have "it."

That's ok with me. I don't mind. Maybe it will help me remain interested in the gym for a long time. Because I'm going to take a long time to get anything right! It definitely gives me a HUGE feeling of satisfaction when I finally do get something right. I'm like that little kid, looking for praise from the teacher. When I get it, I feel like clapping and jumping up and down. I finally got the snatch the other day. While I wasn't the fastest in the world, I was pretty proud of myself for getting 30 of them strung together in groups of 10...without losing total form!

So, maybe I don't have "it," but I'm willing to work for "it" and the rewards will be big.

The Results are In

It's over! I know EVERYONE has been anxiously awaiting the results of the Paleo Challenge and how I did. I couldn't hold myself accountable on the blog because quite frankly, I was too busy cutting, chopping, shopping and boiling eggs (which I still can't get right! I have a tough time getting them so they will peel easily). That, coupled with the fact that the season of tourists on Cape Cod has begun, and my free time has not been mine any longer.

The last two weeks of school are killer. There are about a million things the teachers want you to attend with the kids. Celebrations and presentations and half days and all of that lovely stuff. My regular sitter is not available during day time hours, so I was struggling with finding a new sitter so I could actually get to the gym on a regular basis. It was successful to a certain extent. The three days a week thing might be a little difficult- I haven't managed it once this summer to date, but we shall get some sort of routine by the time August rolls around and I have to switch the routine all over again!

During all of the craziness that is, I had to focus on this Paleo thing. I don't think I did too bad. It's not as hard as you think if you aren't going all sorts of organic (grass fed this and free range that). I tried...I bought the grass fed and the free range. I only do that when I find it though. I'm not going to make 15 stops to get something and drive 5 miles out of my way because they don't have the right thing in the store I am currently in. My family devours a hen house in about a month, so organic chicken also gets a little pricey. As time went on, I learned what stores carried what ingredients and began to have my pantry and spice cabinet stocked with things that are frequently used on the diet. I also *gasp* experimented with stuff. I didn't get too bad at it. If I screwed up, I usually just pulled out some bacon and added that. Everything tastes better with bacon. Eventually, I found myself cooking some bacon JUST so I could have the grease to cook my vegetables in to make them taste better.

On June 29 we did the baseline workout again. It was HOT out! Unfortunately, I was a little off in days and I thought we were going to do the baseline on July 2. SO- I had a BBQ the night before that did not bode well for my performance on Friday. I dropped :43 from my time-really wish I had dropped a minute, but it just wasn't in me on Friday. I'm going to hold on to this baseline workout and see how it goes in another month or two. I think I'll use this as a performance measurement. I increased my assisted pull-ups from 6 to 10 and my strict push-ups from 13 to 21. Not too shabby.

The numbers got a little fun. I was psyched.  FINALLY-I have lost some weight. Fourteen pounds (or 7.5% of my body weight)! In addition, I lost an inch in my thighs and and inch on my arms-both places a girl wants to lose the inches! My waist measurement didn't really go anywhere, but I think I might have sucked my waist in when I was first measured-someone else was doing the measurement. I think it was a little off for that reason and I did lose an inch or two in the waist. My pants are a little more loose there, that's for sure.

All in all, I was pretty pleased. My athletic performance continues to need improvement. When it comes to CrossFit- I am not fast. Gives me something to continue to strive for. I am hooked on the Paleo thing. Partially because I did so well. Partially because now I am afraid of going back to any sort of junk food because: 1) I love it too much 2) I fear the rubber band effect and the weight gain when you go back to "normal" eating. James wants a cheat meal. I haven't cheated yet. I don't know if I want to- is that weird?

What's in a Number?

Four people, including me, know how much I weigh. Thats the most-EVER. I avoid going to the doctor (unless I am pregnant) because I don't want to stand on a scale. I have done this my entire adult life. Until after baby number 3, I don't think I would have been considered over weight-I was simply outside of the media definition of thin. I am not in any position to embrace my current weight, but then I wonder what weight is my ideal? I personally believe that some of these numbers spouted out by health organizations are too cookie cutter. We are all individuals. We all have different body types, shapes and genetics.

So, it's just a number. That's what you would think I am saying, but then why can I not let it go? I am surrounded by healthy, fit, slim people. I look at magazines every day that tell you how to "Blast Belly Fat," "Get Fit Fast," "Lose the Baby Weight." Every ad has a woman that's stick thin or a before and after shot. I love the ones that say,"How Star ABC lost the Baby Weight." Guess what, magazine? If I had all day to work out and the money to afford my own chef, trainer and nanny I too, would have flat abs. Instead, I choose to raise my own children, cook for them, clean up after them, and attend as many school functions as physically (and mentally) possible. Sure, I sit here and rationalize all of these things and think to myself WHY they can do it and look fabulous after their babies but inside I am deeply jealous! All I want to do these days is be healthy and get myself to a place where I will be around a little while longer for these 3 little beings that we have created. I know that is my ultimate goal, but I'm still stuck on the number.

It has taken me all of my will power not to stand on the scale during this 30 day Paleo Challenge. I have failed, and stood on the scale a few times. I am on day 15. I have lost weight. Not enough to get to my number, but I have lost some. I am in month 6 of being committed to this endeavor of working out and eating right. James always tells me,"It took years to put the weight on. It's going to take more than a month to take it off." However, there are days during this challenge that I am even jealous of him. He's dropping weight a lot faster than I am. Probably going to reach his number goal before me! The worst part is, how often do you see articles on men losing the sympathy pounds after the baby? Or even telling a man to "Get Slimmer Faster." How about,"How to Lose 15 Pounds for Speedo Season"? It's a double standard out there. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are a lot of pressures for guys. Media still makes an issue out of men providing for their family financially and working hard, climbing to the top, etc., etc. I am simply picking on the weight issue. I could go on for days about the media, believe me.

What should be better than the weight loss is that I feel good. I don't hit that REALLY tired spell at 3:00 where I feel like I need a nap to get through the day. I have the energy to make it all day long now. I have been somewhat energetic and motivated- to be quite honest, I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends, but isn't that what the start of summer means-when you switch up your daily routine that you have been used to for the last 10 months?

So, I am stuck. Sitting some where between the number and the fact that the number shouldn't matter. I waiver back and forth between these. Some days I can get over the number to realize that I am working hard to make things change and make myself a healthier person and that is what matters (ie: At least I'm off the couch), but other days are a true challenge to me mentally to get over the number and the desire to be at a certain goal. Most likely that goal is completely unattainable for me, but it's the number that has been drilled in to me by somebody, somewhere. I don't think I am the only one facing this struggle and I hope that those facing this struggle with me can all see that it's about being healthy and feeling good. Ultimately, that should lead to a number that will be acceptable to both you and the media!

What is it about these people?

Week 1 is done!! 23 days left in the Paleo Challenge and I sparked a little debate on Facebook about it with a comment I made about some bacon bits falling on the floor and my desire to lick them up and pay no attention to the 5 second rule. I must admit, in my house, on those floors, it's a little disgusting to even think about. My dog is a walking disaster-worse than Pig Pen if you ask me. The big question that was put out there is, "What is it about CrossFitters and the Paelo Diet?" My answer is a big fat "I don't know." However, there are a few things I can comment on...

I push myself harder than I ever thought I could when I go in to the gym 3 days a week. It is a very intense workout that actually produces results. Those results continue to get better and better until they plateau a bit. That is the point at which people start to look at their nutritional intake and wonder what they can change to improve their lift, their time, their weights, etc. More often than not, a person that starts CrossFit and sticks with it is competitive by nature. This is the perfect spot-always trying to outdo yourself and never allow failure to take over. The Paleo Diet is another challenge that will help a competitive person outdo themselves. Is there a science behind it? Probably.

I am not in to the whole science side. I want to feel good and look healthy. If the Paleo Diet can produce those two major results, then I will be very happy. If it means that mine time gets a little faster or my deadlift gets a little heavier then I will be truly psyched. It's my inner competitor coming out. And hey, if it means one day I get bragging rights at the gym my cycle at CrossFit might actually be complete! I feel better. I don't miss the way I was eating before. I would eat, not because I wanted to or enjoyed the food, but because it was in front of me or I was stressed out. Not a good way to eat. Now it's more for enjoyment and I have actually come across some good recipes- check out www.everydaypaleo.com or www.civilizedcaveman.com and see some of the stuff they cook. It's delicious, really.

The challenges of the diet are primarily finding the right ingredients, as many things aren't readily available anymore or we have added something to them to make them "shelf-stable." It's not much different than the way our ancestors ate pre-industrial revolution. Somebody that eats all organic is likely much more paleo than you think. Legumes are probably one of the hardest to get rid of- I like beans. That and cheese.

Prepping is difficult, too. I find that I have to spend a lot of time on the front end, trying to figure out what I am going to cook and running to the grocery stores- yes, STORES- because 1 doesn't carry parsnips, a different one has the fennel bulb and a third one is the only place I can find a flank steak. That may be a challenge of where I live, but it's a challenge none the less. You can't beat how fresh things taste, though. At this point in the 30 day challenge, it's still refreshing.

My goal when I started this whole adventure was to lose weight. Six months in to it with no diet change, I haven't done that. My body has changed. There is a lot more muscle mass, but that doesn't help with the scale. It truly is diet AND exercise that is going to make that change. Paleo just seemed right for me, or at least like the thing for me to try. Maybe the intensity of the diet is right for CrossFitters because of the intensity of the workout. There is a certain trait within that would say the two go hand in hand. It's all about what you make of it. Do I want to change my habits? Yes. Do I want to feel as though I am depriving myself? No. Currently, I don't. I am not going to be 100% and a freak about this whole thing, but in 23 days when I look at the numbers and repeat the workout, perhaps I will be faster and a little lighter. Those results will tell me where I am going to go with this. At the moment, I think it may stick around for a while. You should see the PRs that are popping up all over the gym for the folks that have gone strict for the challenge. It's crazy! Maybe one day during this trek, I will be able to say I got a PR also. I'll keep you posted.

Maintaining Accountability

I am trying my hardest to get out of this 30 day Paleo Challenge that I have taken on. Last night I realized that I forgot my time for the benchmark workout that we did on Friday. We are doing the workout on day 1 and day 30. I figured if I forgot day 1 then I could just forget about the challenge and just do it again on day 30, right? NOPE! Gym folks took a photo of the times for "safe-keeping" and now I'm stuck. Will someone PLEASE enable me?

Seriously, I am on day 2. Not having that hard of a time, but this whole cooking and prep thing is going to get real old, real fast. I got home from all of the kid pick-ups at 3:15 yesterday and started snacks and food prep- I didn't stop until 7:30. Well, I fed 3 kids and then started the next dinner for the adults. Then I put 1 to bed and got 2 more ready for bed, THEN I started cooking again for round 2. I suffered from 3-4 a little but I was so busy prepping for dinner that I didn't have a ton of time to be hungry or just mindlessly eat. That's probably the only positive of all of this prep.

In order to maintain accountability, I am going to post food intake from yesterday. As far as beverage, I drank my body weight in water:

Breakfast:
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups of coffee, black (MUST buy better coffee now, which means a trip to IKEA. I'll take that!)

Snack:
Banana

Lunch:
left over grilled chicken with strawberries and pecans on a bed of spring mix greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil

Snack:
6 dried apricots
cup of grapes

Dinner: (all from a paleo cookbook- I put it all in a bowl with a bunch of greens and ate it as one thing)
Greek chicken kebabs
Greek paleo salad consisting of cucumber, orange peppers and tomatoes

SO...anyway, that's Day 1. Feeling pretty good today. Missing cheese. Already out of greens. Probably need more fruit. Screwed up the dinner for tonight already, but I think I can salvage it. Have I mentioned I hate cooking?

We shall see how the trip to the gym goes tomorrow. Yesterday was ok. A little bit ugly for me, but I am still frustrated and not on my mental game. I am not seeing the positive side of stuff at the gym and simply seeing the times. I get my butt kicked every time a workout comes up that says "X rounds for time". Mentally, the "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) works better for me. I don't mind not getting as many rounds as everyone else- at least we all stop at the same time. It's the fact that everyone finishes 2-3 minutes before me on the other days that frustrates me. I think it's because I don't like having any sort of attention directed at me. With this challenge, I have also started writing my times for workouts in a log. Perhaps that way I will be able to check back when I am feeling frustrated and take note of improvements that I have made. Let's hope those measurements that got written down for me will improve as well. I was too embarrassed to look.