Four people, including me, know how much I weigh. Thats the most-EVER. I avoid going to the doctor (unless I am pregnant) because I don't want to stand on a scale. I have done this my entire adult life. Until after baby number 3, I don't think I would have been considered over weight-I was simply outside of the media definition of thin. I am not in any position to embrace my current weight, but then I wonder what weight is my ideal? I personally believe that some of these numbers spouted out by health organizations are too cookie cutter. We are all individuals. We all have different body types, shapes and genetics.
So, it's just a number. That's what you would think I am saying, but then why can I not let it go? I am surrounded by healthy, fit, slim people. I look at magazines every day that tell you how to "Blast Belly Fat," "Get Fit Fast," "Lose the Baby Weight." Every ad has a woman that's stick thin or a before and after shot. I love the ones that say,"How Star ABC lost the Baby Weight." Guess what, magazine? If I had all day to work out and the money to afford my own chef, trainer and nanny I too, would have flat abs. Instead, I choose to raise my own children, cook for them, clean up after them, and attend as many school functions as physically (and mentally) possible. Sure, I sit here and rationalize all of these things and think to myself WHY they can do it and look fabulous after their babies but inside I am deeply jealous! All I want to do these days is be healthy and get myself to a place where I will be around a little while longer for these 3 little beings that we have created. I know that is my ultimate goal, but I'm still stuck on the number.
It has taken me all of my will power not to stand on the scale during this 30 day Paleo Challenge. I have failed, and stood on the scale a few times. I am on day 15. I have lost weight. Not enough to get to my number, but I have lost some. I am in month 6 of being committed to this endeavor of working out and eating right. James always tells me,"It took years to put the weight on. It's going to take more than a month to take it off." However, there are days during this challenge that I am even jealous of him. He's dropping weight a lot faster than I am. Probably going to reach his number goal before me! The worst part is, how often do you see articles on men losing the sympathy pounds after the baby? Or even telling a man to "Get Slimmer Faster." How about,"How to Lose 15 Pounds for Speedo Season"? It's a double standard out there. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are a lot of pressures for guys. Media still makes an issue out of men providing for their family financially and working hard, climbing to the top, etc., etc. I am simply picking on the weight issue. I could go on for days about the media, believe me.
What should be better than the weight loss is that I feel good. I don't hit that REALLY tired spell at 3:00 where I feel like I need a nap to get through the day. I have the energy to make it all day long now. I have been somewhat energetic and motivated- to be quite honest, I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends, but isn't that what the start of summer means-when you switch up your daily routine that you have been used to for the last 10 months?
So, I am stuck. Sitting some where between the number and the fact that the number shouldn't matter. I waiver back and forth between these. Some days I can get over the number to realize that I am working hard to make things change and make myself a healthier person and that is what matters (ie: At least I'm off the couch), but other days are a true challenge to me mentally to get over the number and the desire to be at a certain goal. Most likely that goal is completely unattainable for me, but it's the number that has been drilled in to me by somebody, somewhere. I don't think I am the only one facing this struggle and I hope that those facing this struggle with me can all see that it's about being healthy and feeling good. Ultimately, that should lead to a number that will be acceptable to both you and the media!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
What is it about these people?
Week 1 is done!! 23 days left in the Paleo Challenge and I sparked a little debate on Facebook about it with a comment I made about some bacon bits falling on the floor and my desire to lick them up and pay no attention to the 5 second rule. I must admit, in my house, on those floors, it's a little disgusting to even think about. My dog is a walking disaster-worse than Pig Pen if you ask me. The big question that was put out there is, "What is it about CrossFitters and the Paelo Diet?" My answer is a big fat "I don't know." However, there are a few things I can comment on...
I push myself harder than I ever thought I could when I go in to the gym 3 days a week. It is a very intense workout that actually produces results. Those results continue to get better and better until they plateau a bit. That is the point at which people start to look at their nutritional intake and wonder what they can change to improve their lift, their time, their weights, etc. More often than not, a person that starts CrossFit and sticks with it is competitive by nature. This is the perfect spot-always trying to outdo yourself and never allow failure to take over. The Paleo Diet is another challenge that will help a competitive person outdo themselves. Is there a science behind it? Probably.
I am not in to the whole science side. I want to feel good and look healthy. If the Paleo Diet can produce those two major results, then I will be very happy. If it means that mine time gets a little faster or my deadlift gets a little heavier then I will be truly psyched. It's my inner competitor coming out. And hey, if it means one day I get bragging rights at the gym my cycle at CrossFit might actually be complete! I feel better. I don't miss the way I was eating before. I would eat, not because I wanted to or enjoyed the food, but because it was in front of me or I was stressed out. Not a good way to eat. Now it's more for enjoyment and I have actually come across some good recipes- check out www.everydaypaleo.com or www.civilizedcaveman.com and see some of the stuff they cook. It's delicious, really.
The challenges of the diet are primarily finding the right ingredients, as many things aren't readily available anymore or we have added something to them to make them "shelf-stable." It's not much different than the way our ancestors ate pre-industrial revolution. Somebody that eats all organic is likely much more paleo than you think. Legumes are probably one of the hardest to get rid of- I like beans. That and cheese.
Prepping is difficult, too. I find that I have to spend a lot of time on the front end, trying to figure out what I am going to cook and running to the grocery stores- yes, STORES- because 1 doesn't carry parsnips, a different one has the fennel bulb and a third one is the only place I can find a flank steak. That may be a challenge of where I live, but it's a challenge none the less. You can't beat how fresh things taste, though. At this point in the 30 day challenge, it's still refreshing.
My goal when I started this whole adventure was to lose weight. Six months in to it with no diet change, I haven't done that. My body has changed. There is a lot more muscle mass, but that doesn't help with the scale. It truly is diet AND exercise that is going to make that change. Paleo just seemed right for me, or at least like the thing for me to try. Maybe the intensity of the diet is right for CrossFitters because of the intensity of the workout. There is a certain trait within that would say the two go hand in hand. It's all about what you make of it. Do I want to change my habits? Yes. Do I want to feel as though I am depriving myself? No. Currently, I don't. I am not going to be 100% and a freak about this whole thing, but in 23 days when I look at the numbers and repeat the workout, perhaps I will be faster and a little lighter. Those results will tell me where I am going to go with this. At the moment, I think it may stick around for a while. You should see the PRs that are popping up all over the gym for the folks that have gone strict for the challenge. It's crazy! Maybe one day during this trek, I will be able to say I got a PR also. I'll keep you posted.
I push myself harder than I ever thought I could when I go in to the gym 3 days a week. It is a very intense workout that actually produces results. Those results continue to get better and better until they plateau a bit. That is the point at which people start to look at their nutritional intake and wonder what they can change to improve their lift, their time, their weights, etc. More often than not, a person that starts CrossFit and sticks with it is competitive by nature. This is the perfect spot-always trying to outdo yourself and never allow failure to take over. The Paleo Diet is another challenge that will help a competitive person outdo themselves. Is there a science behind it? Probably.
I am not in to the whole science side. I want to feel good and look healthy. If the Paleo Diet can produce those two major results, then I will be very happy. If it means that mine time gets a little faster or my deadlift gets a little heavier then I will be truly psyched. It's my inner competitor coming out. And hey, if it means one day I get bragging rights at the gym my cycle at CrossFit might actually be complete! I feel better. I don't miss the way I was eating before. I would eat, not because I wanted to or enjoyed the food, but because it was in front of me or I was stressed out. Not a good way to eat. Now it's more for enjoyment and I have actually come across some good recipes- check out www.everydaypaleo.com or www.civilizedcaveman.com and see some of the stuff they cook. It's delicious, really.
The challenges of the diet are primarily finding the right ingredients, as many things aren't readily available anymore or we have added something to them to make them "shelf-stable." It's not much different than the way our ancestors ate pre-industrial revolution. Somebody that eats all organic is likely much more paleo than you think. Legumes are probably one of the hardest to get rid of- I like beans. That and cheese.
Prepping is difficult, too. I find that I have to spend a lot of time on the front end, trying to figure out what I am going to cook and running to the grocery stores- yes, STORES- because 1 doesn't carry parsnips, a different one has the fennel bulb and a third one is the only place I can find a flank steak. That may be a challenge of where I live, but it's a challenge none the less. You can't beat how fresh things taste, though. At this point in the 30 day challenge, it's still refreshing.
My goal when I started this whole adventure was to lose weight. Six months in to it with no diet change, I haven't done that. My body has changed. There is a lot more muscle mass, but that doesn't help with the scale. It truly is diet AND exercise that is going to make that change. Paleo just seemed right for me, or at least like the thing for me to try. Maybe the intensity of the diet is right for CrossFitters because of the intensity of the workout. There is a certain trait within that would say the two go hand in hand. It's all about what you make of it. Do I want to change my habits? Yes. Do I want to feel as though I am depriving myself? No. Currently, I don't. I am not going to be 100% and a freak about this whole thing, but in 23 days when I look at the numbers and repeat the workout, perhaps I will be faster and a little lighter. Those results will tell me where I am going to go with this. At the moment, I think it may stick around for a while. You should see the PRs that are popping up all over the gym for the folks that have gone strict for the challenge. It's crazy! Maybe one day during this trek, I will be able to say I got a PR also. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Maintaining Accountability
I am trying my hardest to get out of this 30 day Paleo Challenge that I have taken on. Last night I realized that I forgot my time for the benchmark workout that we did on Friday. We are doing the workout on day 1 and day 30. I figured if I forgot day 1 then I could just forget about the challenge and just do it again on day 30, right? NOPE! Gym folks took a photo of the times for "safe-keeping" and now I'm stuck. Will someone PLEASE enable me?
Seriously, I am on day 2. Not having that hard of a time, but this whole cooking and prep thing is going to get real old, real fast. I got home from all of the kid pick-ups at 3:15 yesterday and started snacks and food prep- I didn't stop until 7:30. Well, I fed 3 kids and then started the next dinner for the adults. Then I put 1 to bed and got 2 more ready for bed, THEN I started cooking again for round 2. I suffered from 3-4 a little but I was so busy prepping for dinner that I didn't have a ton of time to be hungry or just mindlessly eat. That's probably the only positive of all of this prep.
In order to maintain accountability, I am going to post food intake from yesterday. As far as beverage, I drank my body weight in water:
Breakfast:
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups of coffee, black (MUST buy better coffee now, which means a trip to IKEA. I'll take that!)
Snack:
Banana
Lunch:
left over grilled chicken with strawberries and pecans on a bed of spring mix greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil
Snack:
6 dried apricots
cup of grapes
Dinner: (all from a paleo cookbook- I put it all in a bowl with a bunch of greens and ate it as one thing)
Greek chicken kebabs
Greek paleo salad consisting of cucumber, orange peppers and tomatoes
SO...anyway, that's Day 1. Feeling pretty good today. Missing cheese. Already out of greens. Probably need more fruit. Screwed up the dinner for tonight already, but I think I can salvage it. Have I mentioned I hate cooking?
We shall see how the trip to the gym goes tomorrow. Yesterday was ok. A little bit ugly for me, but I am still frustrated and not on my mental game. I am not seeing the positive side of stuff at the gym and simply seeing the times. I get my butt kicked every time a workout comes up that says "X rounds for time". Mentally, the "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) works better for me. I don't mind not getting as many rounds as everyone else- at least we all stop at the same time. It's the fact that everyone finishes 2-3 minutes before me on the other days that frustrates me. I think it's because I don't like having any sort of attention directed at me. With this challenge, I have also started writing my times for workouts in a log. Perhaps that way I will be able to check back when I am feeling frustrated and take note of improvements that I have made. Let's hope those measurements that got written down for me will improve as well. I was too embarrassed to look.
Seriously, I am on day 2. Not having that hard of a time, but this whole cooking and prep thing is going to get real old, real fast. I got home from all of the kid pick-ups at 3:15 yesterday and started snacks and food prep- I didn't stop until 7:30. Well, I fed 3 kids and then started the next dinner for the adults. Then I put 1 to bed and got 2 more ready for bed, THEN I started cooking again for round 2. I suffered from 3-4 a little but I was so busy prepping for dinner that I didn't have a ton of time to be hungry or just mindlessly eat. That's probably the only positive of all of this prep.
In order to maintain accountability, I am going to post food intake from yesterday. As far as beverage, I drank my body weight in water:
Breakfast:
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups of coffee, black (MUST buy better coffee now, which means a trip to IKEA. I'll take that!)
Snack:
Banana
Lunch:
left over grilled chicken with strawberries and pecans on a bed of spring mix greens with balsamic vinegar and olive oil
Snack:
6 dried apricots
cup of grapes
Dinner: (all from a paleo cookbook- I put it all in a bowl with a bunch of greens and ate it as one thing)
Greek chicken kebabs
Greek paleo salad consisting of cucumber, orange peppers and tomatoes
SO...anyway, that's Day 1. Feeling pretty good today. Missing cheese. Already out of greens. Probably need more fruit. Screwed up the dinner for tonight already, but I think I can salvage it. Have I mentioned I hate cooking?
We shall see how the trip to the gym goes tomorrow. Yesterday was ok. A little bit ugly for me, but I am still frustrated and not on my mental game. I am not seeing the positive side of stuff at the gym and simply seeing the times. I get my butt kicked every time a workout comes up that says "X rounds for time". Mentally, the "AMRAP" (as many rounds as possible) works better for me. I don't mind not getting as many rounds as everyone else- at least we all stop at the same time. It's the fact that everyone finishes 2-3 minutes before me on the other days that frustrates me. I think it's because I don't like having any sort of attention directed at me. With this challenge, I have also started writing my times for workouts in a log. Perhaps that way I will be able to check back when I am feeling frustrated and take note of improvements that I have made. Let's hope those measurements that got written down for me will improve as well. I was too embarrassed to look.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
In search of a new relationship
For the first time yesterday, I questioned why I was at the CrossFit gym. It was an extremely depressing day for me, as we had the weigh in for a 30 day Paleo challenge. We were weighed and measured and will go through the same torturous process in 30 days to see what kind of change there is, if any. In retrospect, I wish I had taken these measurements earlier in the game. I just need to wallow in my own self-pity for a while...even with all of the positivity that I have been able to pull up, yesterday was a "half-empty" kind of day. The one thing that is very hard for me to talk myself out of is the weight issue. So much is put in our faces about how you should look, how much you should weigh, body image, blah, blah, blah. It takes an extreme amount of self-confidence to be comfortable in your own skin. I think I have got that emotionally and socially, but throw in the self-image and that is where I am lacking.
I have never been a size 6. I admit that freely and I am pretty comfortable with it. I have been sprinter all of my life and with that comes sprinter thighs. My goals are not lofty, they are not to be that size 6. In fact, I have come around to embracing my sprinter thighs and just telling myself as long as they are strong and not jiggly, I am fine with that. I have curves- that's ok. I just don't want to be a pear.
I think I can even say that I am coming around to the "Strong is the new sexy" train of thought. If my weight is higher because of muscle, I am fine with that. However, it shouldn't be as high as it was yesterday. I should not weigh as much as many men who are 6 feet tall. I don't care what kind of positive messages anyone tries to send me- I just shouldn't. It's embarrassing. So why do I exercise at a gym where I have been told from the get-go that I won't really lose weight there? Why am I busting my ass 3 times a week to not drop a pound? It's frustrating. Wouldn't you think that by exercising even a little more than "not at all" you would lose a pound or two? It's been 6 months and I am not even at my first goal. Remember that one? Lose 8 pounds and get a new pair of sneakers. Yeah...I know. It was a LONG time ago.
I get it. It all comes down to food. I have an awful relationship with food. I hate everything about it. In fact, the worst hours of my day are from 4-6 when I have to work on dinner. Those hours run simultaneously with homework and the witching hour of one 4 and 2 year old that ends up in a crying and screaming fest and a LOT of stress. Then there is the process. I hate to cook. I hate to prep. I hate to grocery shop. I hate to clean up. In fact, the only solution I see is my own private chef, and that's NOT going to happen unless I make a gazillion dollars. Clearly, I am not on that path. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed, I turn to sugar. Upset, I'll have a cupcake. Sad and a Midnight Milky Way looks mighty fine. I need something else to turn to besides sweet food, that much I know.
So, in comes the Paleo diet. Lots of athletes and CrossFit folks take part in this diet. I don't know that I would call myself an athlete. Lately, I have questioned even the mere act of exercise. I am still struggling. My 1 rep weights have increased dramatically (I'm stronger), but I thought that by now I would have the ability to do all of this a little faster. The gym is doing a Paleo challenge for the month of June. Challenge is good for me. Deep down, I am a competitor and I can't stand the idea of failure. That should be enough of a drive to keep me going on this for at least 30 days. It doesn't look too bad. South Beach on steroids-ish. No dairy, legumes, grains, sugar. It should be interesting. I am hoping that I will be able to struggle through it. I look at it as a way to help outline what I will be eating and hopefully, make my relationship with food a little bit better. It's like having a boyfriend chosen for me. Here, take him, he's good for you. I am open to this kind of dating and I am ready for it. Now I need to try to make it fit.
**Self pity party over. I am not going to quit. I LIKE going to the gym. If for any other reason, I have met a great group of people. I hate the work outs, but I like the feeling I have for the rest of the day. I am proud of what I can do. I know I can do more.
I have never been a size 6. I admit that freely and I am pretty comfortable with it. I have been sprinter all of my life and with that comes sprinter thighs. My goals are not lofty, they are not to be that size 6. In fact, I have come around to embracing my sprinter thighs and just telling myself as long as they are strong and not jiggly, I am fine with that. I have curves- that's ok. I just don't want to be a pear.
I think I can even say that I am coming around to the "Strong is the new sexy" train of thought. If my weight is higher because of muscle, I am fine with that. However, it shouldn't be as high as it was yesterday. I should not weigh as much as many men who are 6 feet tall. I don't care what kind of positive messages anyone tries to send me- I just shouldn't. It's embarrassing. So why do I exercise at a gym where I have been told from the get-go that I won't really lose weight there? Why am I busting my ass 3 times a week to not drop a pound? It's frustrating. Wouldn't you think that by exercising even a little more than "not at all" you would lose a pound or two? It's been 6 months and I am not even at my first goal. Remember that one? Lose 8 pounds and get a new pair of sneakers. Yeah...I know. It was a LONG time ago.
I get it. It all comes down to food. I have an awful relationship with food. I hate everything about it. In fact, the worst hours of my day are from 4-6 when I have to work on dinner. Those hours run simultaneously with homework and the witching hour of one 4 and 2 year old that ends up in a crying and screaming fest and a LOT of stress. Then there is the process. I hate to cook. I hate to prep. I hate to grocery shop. I hate to clean up. In fact, the only solution I see is my own private chef, and that's NOT going to happen unless I make a gazillion dollars. Clearly, I am not on that path. I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed, I turn to sugar. Upset, I'll have a cupcake. Sad and a Midnight Milky Way looks mighty fine. I need something else to turn to besides sweet food, that much I know.
So, in comes the Paleo diet. Lots of athletes and CrossFit folks take part in this diet. I don't know that I would call myself an athlete. Lately, I have questioned even the mere act of exercise. I am still struggling. My 1 rep weights have increased dramatically (I'm stronger), but I thought that by now I would have the ability to do all of this a little faster. The gym is doing a Paleo challenge for the month of June. Challenge is good for me. Deep down, I am a competitor and I can't stand the idea of failure. That should be enough of a drive to keep me going on this for at least 30 days. It doesn't look too bad. South Beach on steroids-ish. No dairy, legumes, grains, sugar. It should be interesting. I am hoping that I will be able to struggle through it. I look at it as a way to help outline what I will be eating and hopefully, make my relationship with food a little bit better. It's like having a boyfriend chosen for me. Here, take him, he's good for you. I am open to this kind of dating and I am ready for it. Now I need to try to make it fit.
**Self pity party over. I am not going to quit. I LIKE going to the gym. If for any other reason, I have met a great group of people. I hate the work outs, but I like the feeling I have for the rest of the day. I am proud of what I can do. I know I can do more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)